Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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