i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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