idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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