Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
its liver damage thursday
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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