I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize