I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
