Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
