She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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