I'm pants shitting drunk right now
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
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he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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