is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
