Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
