My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
