i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
