I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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