Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
