Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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