so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
