Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
