in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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