The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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