Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
