im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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