Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
