So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
