my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
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I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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