Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I smell like Dick and happiness
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
