Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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