Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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