i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
