Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
