He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
