I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
