My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
