just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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