Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
