After last night, I could never be a politician.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
