ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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