2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
