I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
