Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
