Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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