he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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