the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I need to calm my uterus...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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