Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
