Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
