I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
