I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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