My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
