When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
