she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My ass is underappreciated
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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