You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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