i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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